When I Get My Ish Together, I Will Acknowledge Joy in the Dark

Learning to celebrate the small wins, even when the weight still lingers.

First off — I bet you didn’t think I’d make it to another week and actually release this article, did you, Chat?

Well... here I am.

This week, I wanted to keep things a little lighter. Not because life suddenly became sunshine and rainbows — but because, for once, I’m feeling pretty decent. I’ve restarted my routine. I’m back to daily workouts. I’m meal prepping and actually eating the meals. I’ve also been setting small, attainable goals that don’t overwhelm me. So for this one, I’m focusing on what it looks like to get my ish together while trying to find joy — even when I’m still managing a round of depression.

I had my first therapy session in three weeks, and if you’ve been keeping up… yeah, your boy needed it. (Okay, calm down.)

I had already outlined the topics I wanted to cover, so when my therapist asked if I wanted to dive right in or stick to our usual flow, I surprised myself.

Our normal start? A quick celebration and a moment of forgiveness.
Everything in me wanted to skip straight to the hard stuff — to the emotions, the anger, the fatigue. But something told me to slow down, stay soft, and just do what we usually do.

Naturally, that moment of forgiveness opened the floodgates.
Lately, I’ve been holding on to a lot: tension from conversations with friends and family, unresolved feelings from disagreements, old wounds. Some of it, I know, is tied to what I’m currently navigating. But if I’m being honest, I’ve always struggled with holding onto things — even after we’ve “moved on.”

I know I’m not the only one who grew up feeling like they didn’t fully belong.
For most of my life, I’ve been known in a lot of circles — but rarely felt truly seen. And when those relationships strained or ended, it always felt easier for others to walk away. Now that I’m older, my brain has learned to overpower rejection — to make sure things stay “good,” even if it means I carry the weight of everything that happened.

And while that topic deserves its own article (coming soon, I’m sure), I want to talk about where I did find joy this week — because that’s what stuck with me the most.

My four-year-old nephew started preschool.

This kid… is wise beyond his years. You’d think a child that age would ease into change, but no — we are witnessing every emotion, all at once. Especially when he’s with my brother and our parents (he is truly my nephew).

In a sweet little photo, he’s all smiles with a first day of school poster. But the moment after? Oh, the tears. You’ll see it in the video: pure truth, captured in real time.

So, where’s the joy in all that?

It’s simple.
(1) My baby nephew is officially off to “big boy school” — and I’m proud beyond words.
(2) His honesty? The way he felt all his feelings in public without shame? Hilarious and healing at the same time. That kind of emotional transparency — feeling joy and sadness and excitement and fear all in one go — reminded me that it’s okay to exist in the in-between.

And I think that’s what this week’s therapy session gave me.
A reminder that the joy I’m looking for doesn’t have to be all-consuming or obvious. Sometimes it shows up in the small things — the moment you laugh during a hard day, the time you stick to your routine even when you don’t want to, or the unexpected moment when a four-year-old shows you what emotional freedom actually looks like.

There are days I still feel the fog. There are moments I feel like I’m floating through my to-do list without being present. But I’m learning not to chase the big “fix.”

Instead, I’m holding space for both — the darkness and the light. The numbness and the joy. The disappointment and the hope.

And if I can do that — even a little — then yeah, I’d say I’m getting my ish together.